My Brain Works in Funny Ways :(

 Hi Blog!

OK, I'm going to disclose full honesty here... I have an eating disorder. Undiagnosed but as far as I see I don't know what else it could be.

I binge eat. It covers my pain and replaces it with temporary pleasure. I've done it since I was a kid, my mum stopped buying things or would hide them and complained that I always ate them. But scapegoating me or screaming at me never helped and my mum doesn't accept mental health issues. She knows they exist but she thinks they are over dramaticised and doesn't realize how badly they impact me. 

I've always been a bigger child. Before I was fat, I was tall and still stuck out. Then as I got older I put on more and more weight. 

In high school when I was really stressed I would binge heavily and my mum would scream at me whilst I cried. I tried so many times to throw up but my darn gag reflexes aren't strong enough and it never worked. I know this isn't healthy but how do I help myself when I'm the one ruining me.

My relationship with food at first linked to my body image and I guess it still does but not all the time. When I eat 25 chocolate bars I don't think about the sugar going into my body or how much weight I will gain. Yet when I feel bad about myself the first thing I do is starve myself. My mum screams at me then... she says things like 'dont do this to me...' but I don't care as long as it temporarily feels good or right I will continue. 

People have too much input on what you eat. If you have a large plate of food, you feel the need to justify yourself in explaining you had a small lunch or no breakfast. But if you don't eat, they tell you to and that you need to eat more. For me I just think 'how are they honestly telling me I don't look like I could use a few days of starvation.'

My sisters never helped... one of them lost weight two years ago then put it back on and ever since been obsessed with losing it and telling everyone how to eat healthy and how we should be eating. The other one eats crap (but she has money to buy her own so no one cares about it) and still she gets on at everyone else for how they eat.

Is it normally to feel this sensitive over food? Someone comments on my food and I start crying. When does it stop? When does the constant torture of starving and stuffing your body not matter anymore and you don't cry when you look in a mirror or look at a plate of food or grab food in public alone and feel insecure? Does it ever happen? 

I'd love to talk to my best friend about it because she is my rock but she'd never understand because she's skinny and can eat whatever she wants and even if she put on a slight bit of weight all of it would go to the good parts. Also she has such stubborn views on whats considered healthy and what I should do with my food. 

What's that saying?... DAMNED IF I DO, DAMNED IF I DON'T.

I'm 18 for god sake and I still can't hold my mental health together. I can't get over my anxiety or my addictions/obsessions. How am I supposed to live? I believe in 'You start as you wish to go on', so am i setting myself up for failure at the end of all this? Am I asking to end up hung from a tree or overdosed in a bed or bleeding out from the wrists? 

This seems so stupid to write. Over dramatic. I'm surprised that I can express these feelings so clearly on here. 

Where does body image/ dysmorphia come from? I think its the need to be desired and loved, which is stupid really because as my favourite literary character Hardin Scott says ' love is a transaction. We are all hardwired to desire. We each present the correct set of desirable traits and boom! We can turn it on or we can turn it off'. Obviously this is rather sinical, and I don't believe it fully but it makes sense. So why do we want to be desired? Why did they make that human nature and not kindness, non-judgement or free will?

I have rambled on long enough and incase you couldn't tell from my three posts tonight, today has been an emotional one and I needed release. I hope you enjoyed my introspective view of my fucked up life (excuse the language).

This is me signing off.

Love,

Zabrina :(