Lets talk...

 Hi Blog! 

I honestly feel kind of guilty because I only post when I'm sad or have an issue. But today I wanted to talk about sexual assault and rape. Very hot topics in the news and on social media recently.

Even I a newly 18-year-old have my own story of sexual assault/harassment to tell, and this isn't uncommon. I mean the statistic is that 97% of women aged 18-24 have been sexually assaulted or harassed at least once in their lifetime. 97%. That is nearly every woman. And those who haven't sit in society, scared, trying their hardest to protect themselves from the inevitability of it happening. Let me talk about my experience, I always squashed it because it wasn't anything extreme but if it is non-consensual then that is as extreme as it gets. 

When I was 16 I was drunk at a 'party' on the last day of school. Mostly everyone had gone home including most of my friends. I saw a guy who I had known for a few years dancing with one of my friends but she didn't look comfortable, so I intervened. As I was greatly intoxicated the only option I felt I had was to swap her for me (I knew he was one of those sleazy guys who act like they aren't doing anything wrong). I went over and I started talking to him and told her to go talk to someone else. For a while, it was just talking but he took me to the kitchen, turned the music up extremely loud, and said 'it's a party. So... DANCE!'. Being drunk I didn't feel this was weird, people were generally telling others to dance, so I did. About two minutes in the solo dancing turned into him being pressed against the back of me grabbing my hips, I knew I didn't want it but I thought I was supposed to want it because some other girls would. He then turned me to look at him in the face and he was grimacing which made me feel sick. Before I realised he was kissing my neck and grabbing my ass aggressively. This is when I realised I really didn't want this and it had to stop so over and over I would walk away and try to dance on my own but he would join me and continue kissing my body. I heard people outside the door and in my head begged that they would come in and help but they didn't and walked past the door, I then accepted within myself that this is when I get raped. I was going to lose my virginity by getting raped. I thought I have to try and enjoy this it will stay with me forever. Just then, someone who I never really saw as a friend burst into the kitchen to get a drink, she was normally quiet but she came over and said 'Come on, Zabrina. This isn't what you want'. I thought it was crazy that someone I'd barely talked to could tell just upon seeing me, than this guy who I'd walked away from many times. That's when it hit me. He knew I didn't want it but didn't care. Luckily this girl took me to my friends in another room and told the guy repeatedly to leave me alone. I saw him a few times after then but I always downplayed what happened and blamed myself because of how I was dancing or because I was drunk or even because I basically let him do it by admitting defeat. Even now as I write this story I can feel the way his hands dug into my skin, on my hips, my ass, his lips on my neck and collar bone. 

I'm still a virgin. People ask me why. I don't let guys touch me. I flinch whenever someone rests their hand on my shoulder or anywhere. Everyone thinks I'm overreacting but it burns and stings to be touched. That's why I'm a virgin because I can barely stand being touched. That's what assault does to you. Not to mention the many times I have been catcalled or followed or all the times I've felt so stupid because I started having a panic attack because there are men/ boys around me. No one really knows what happened that night. Not even my best friend. I sacrificed my life for any other girl he would try with that night. Where is my badge of bravery or a reward? All I got was pain.

This is what being a 'survivor' feels like. I hate that because I didn't survive I just sunk slowly instead. The death, the loss of air, and the ability to breathe came later. It came from the realisation, from knowing what happened, from the acceptance, and most of all from the future. So did I 'survive', or did I rise to the surface long enough for me to acknowledge my last breath, my last smile, my last moment of buoyancy.

This was my story and many more have so many like this and worse. I hope we honestly make a big difference in this world and before we go I know not all men rape. BUT all men refuse to acknowledge that others are raped. So until someone comes forward and stands with women, ALL MEN RAPE or at least TOO MANY.

Thank you.

This is me signing off,

Zabrina xx