I guess all I want is... Hardin.

 Hi Blog!

I haven't written in a while and to be honest, I haven't had a clue what to write or how to put my words to paper... I tried so many times but I couldn't.

Anyway today I'm feeling slightly more productive and like I want to discuss some things. One of these is my feeling that I will constantly be settling in life meaning I won't be happy. This is mostly in the area of romance and love but maybe slightly in my career path. 

Let's start with a career, because it will take less time. As you know from my first post you know that I am planning on going to uni in September to do musical theatre but ultimately, in terms of the job I'm going to be a primary school teacher. All my teachers throughout my life said I would make a great teacher but said that I definitely have more potential. This never really bothered me- yeah it was annoying when they said it but I just brushed it off- somehow now I'm bothered by it and I always knew I had a dream scenario and a realistic one. My issue is they always say chase your dreams, so I'm worried if I never chase them I won't be happy. Also, I don't want my realistic option anymore. It feels empty. Like I'm just part of a society that doesn't care for the underpaid and the underprivileged. That's what realistic is... to be underpaid and spend years paying student loans and fitting into society's mold; getting married, having kids, and living the cycle everyone else does. Is it so wrong to want more? Am I being ungrateful for even asking this? 

Right so the long bit... L-O-V-E. How do you find it? Is it always the person you want? Are you aware or does it sneak up on you? So many questions that at the age of 18 only some can answer. I want to answer them. I want to find this out... to experience my own personal love but what I want is too rare and unique. I mean like my expectations for a guy. 

I'm about to go into build-a-bitch mode but here's what I want: 

• Dark hair (preferably curly or wavy)
• Light eyes (either bright blue or a bright green-blue mix)
• Good bone structure(face)
• Muscly back
• Lean
• Tall (at least 5'11")
• Tattoos
• Rough around the edges
• Simple clothing such as just black jeans (blue occasionally but not often) and a black or white t-shirt every day, when it gets cold a leather jacket to be added. Also  black boots or black converse (preferably high top)
• Piercings (preferably nose or lip and ear/s)
• Family trauma
• Jealous
• Overprotective
• Slept around
• I'm their first-ever love and the only person they are able to love 
• Challenging/ challenges me 
• The opposite from me
• Rocky relationship (constant heartbreak and repair)
• Persistence and belief in the relationship (when we argue he calls multiple times every day if we aren't together even if I don't answer, always trying to show me his love and getting me back)
• Loose lipped- accidentally lets things out in arguments even if they are hurtful
• Stubborn
• Witty, raunchy, teasing and supportive
• Always tells me how beautiful, stunning and sexy I am 
• Puts his hand on my thigh.
• Cares about cars but doesn't care to talk about them.
• Reads novels and books
• ^ Has the same favourite books/book series and authors.
• ^ Gives our relationship a beloved quote from a classic book... i.e. "whatever our souls are made of his and mine are the same"
• Controlling (especially over drinking)- not majorly though

Like I said there is no way any real person has all these traits. So I'm going to have to drop some of them... but is that settling and if I don't have this will I be happy with what I do have? As I've said before I don't want a vanilla happy relationship. I want turmoil. I want to anger, passion, pain, happiness, kindness, sexiness, loneliness, distance, jealousy, stubbornness, overprotection, and most of all struggle. That's how people become their best. Through struggling and all these emotions. I want that. Exactly that. 

So does it mean I settle? If I lose these traits, will I love them the same as if I had them? Will love be everything I've ever dreamt about without them?

I have a feeling that the answer is no. So I have two choices, lower my expectations so I can be moderately happy and fit my life agenda or... spend my whole life searching for this one person who doesn't exist just so I can feel loneliness and longing for no reason. So the obvious answer is settle, right? 

Also for anyone who has read my former blog posts... most of my ideas for a boy are based on Hardin. I think that's why After changed me so much because after reading it I knew exactly what I wanted and it was Hardin. This is what I mean about these characteristics being impossible. They come from a literary character. I felt so alone after I realized he was what I wanted. Not because I could never have him but because no one else understood why. They didn't understand that he isn't toxic in my eyes and even if he was I'm in love with every toxic trait instead they said I was crazy and that they would never allow me to be with a guy like that.

So is it really everyone else stopping me from my dreaméd destiny? Why does society make everyone think they can't have problems?... be fucked up...no we have to be perfect and get all our psychology straightened out. You have a fear, you are judged. You want to be alone, you need help. You want a toxic relationship, THAT IS RUINING YOU.

Everyone looks at toxic as bad but I bet you never feel as emotional as you do when in a sort of toxic relationship. You get to feel emotions so strong that no matter what else you would not in society's version of a normal life. 

Anyway now this has turned into a battle against society which is another day's topic.

This is me signing off.

Love, 

Zabrina :/