Happier times :)... or maybe not

 Hi Blog!

I hopefully come to you today with a more positive outlook on life. I still feel all the things from the last posts but I'm feeling more happy in general. I think it is from seeing my best friend and just talking with her makes me feel really different.

But I need to learn how to feel this way without that and just on my own. I don't know why I'm happy and as usual, I'm still confused about life, the future, and everything I view. But I think I'm learning how to handles these in a more healthy and adult way... such as this blog... which in my opinion is the most teenage/ young adult movie typical shy girl thing to do... so maybe remove the adult from that. Haha.

I bought some books this week, they are pre-owned from eBay but I am so excited to get stuck into them.

I got:

• Wuthering Heights
• Pride and Prejudice
• Jane Eyre 
• The Great Gatsby
  
• Our Mutual Friend 

and a newer one that I can't remember but anyway they are all hardbacks and I felt that when reading other books the characters would refer to the classics that I'd never read so of course, I had to read them.

UPDATE

The happiness didn't come from inside me but actually just from my interaction with my best friend. I know this now because I had a small fight with my mum leaving me in tears, I asked her to apologise for making me cry but no. Her heart is made of stone and untouched. There's no way to hurt her, love her or teach her. She truly cannot do anything from the heart because contrary to how I feel about general people her heart no longer remains in her body, it shrivelled up so hard behind her walls that it disintergrated. I really do understand how hard it is to be in a relationship with her. How it can be so frustrating and angering and honestly hurtful. Honestly I tried to hurt her, I tried to tell her all the most hurtful things I could but it hurt me more than it did her and once again she is left standing like stone, unmovable and cant be swayed. I would rather break her heart and at least know it was possible than meet this cold exterior everytime I see her. Is this also societies fault? the pressure put on their parents to be strong, may be too strong, especially for single parents. One ounce of vulnerability and you should be ashamed. I don't know about anyone else in the world but I'd much rather have someone who truly portrayed emotion even sadness or hurt than someone who seems above it or incapable. I know deep down at some point that the words I said will hurt her but why couldn't I see that why does she have to block me out of her heart... Why does she have to show me the side that conditionally loves or emotes instead of the unconditional part which I hope is just covered by the walls she built for so long. Do I blame my dad? I don't even remember what she was like before he left... was she emotionless?

Is this why I crave a rollercoaster relationship because at least if they portray emotion it shows me there's a heart there. I'm not ones of those people that when someone says cruel things they think that person is heartless... I think they can still be heart driven because even the heart is able to feel hate. 

I'm doing this to myself. I tried to hurt her but I just keep hurting myself because I feel guilty or I confirmed that my mum is heartless. Honestly I'd love to call her a bitch but I'm scared that's just rage right now and I can't live with regret. 

On another hand, what if I was created with too much vulnerability, too much emotion. I was born with the need for reciprocity but what if I need it to be reciprocated in any possible way. There is no regard for me in my mother's empty shell. Yeah. Even if I left she wouldn't act sad, angry or happy she'd be stone. Going through life. Maybe I should kill myself, maybe then someone can see the sadness and see she cared for once. But what if that just confirms my theory that she has no heart, at least when I'm concerned. Well, at least I wouldn't be here to witness it.

on a dark note I'm signing off at the possibility of spiralling.

Love, 

Zabrina :(